Thursday, February 18, 2010

It's all good - That's what I've been saying

Darling Kit,
It's been almost a week since we said adieu. You know what, Kit...I never realized how much care you took. I was aware that I rarely slept through the night, that I cleaned litter boxes endlessly, followed you around the house with too many kinds of cat food to count - with the hope that you would keep eating.

And you did - more or less until it was time for you to leave.
You were less than six pounds, but the void that you left seems to be big enough to contain a herd of elephants. Kitty, Kit it's quiet here. I don't do laundry load after load and I've retired my scrub pail to the basement.

I spend more time than usual sitting in "our" chair by the window, but I don't cry 59 minutes out of every hour. I miss that beautiful face and the mrrrr, mrrrr, mrrr. Cali is the only meow now and she's trying hard to do her job well.

Ah, but yes, it's all good. You're safe and free from suffering and I in turn, have a different kind of freedom. During some of that chair time I realized that this is the first time in almost 8 years that I've had a respite from taking care of an ailing meow or bow. Yes, I'd do it all over again in a heart beat.

It's the memories that are good. It's the experiences that I had that are good. It's the energy that was in the house that was good! It's the people that I met that are good. It's a large part of my life, and it's good!

I love you Kitty Kit and those who are waiting with you at the RB,


Friday, February 12, 2010

Hello my angel!

Farewell my darling!
Cassie passed peacefully on my lap by the window in the sunlight a short time ago. The spirit wanted to remain by me, but the body was frail. Her veins were so small that it was difficult to insert the catheter initially, but she finally drifted off. I held her for a long time afterward and then gave her wrapped in her blanket to Dianne to take to hospital.

I have been blessed to have kind and empathetic people in my life who helped me immeasurably this morning. For Dianne and Debbie to come to the house on their day off, was more than a gesture of kindness. They've known me long enough to realize that I just couldn't bear one more trip to the bereavement room at the vet hospital.

Herman, thank you for making the tea and for understanding and thanks for taking one last photo of Kitty and me before we said adieu to each other.

Yes, the unexamined life is not worth living to me. I don't know if it's the philosophy teacher in me or the recent conversations of late, but Socrates has been keeping close company with me. Albeit, the dialogue that has taken place over the past few weeks seems to have been mainly between Socrates and me, with no third party to mediate or question. On a lighter note, there's a widely held opinion that those who talk to themselves may be suspect! Don't worry dear reader as I don't talk out loud - usually! (said with a wink)

So my darling kitty, kit, you and Socrates have provided so many opportunities for me to examine and reflect upon my life. The treasured gift Kit, has been through your leaving. In this instance, after all of the reflection, desire to take the action that was morally and ethically right, I do not struggle with my decision, as I have in the past. I have a broken heart, but do have peace with my decision to help you put on your angel wings so that you can soar high without the burdens of pain.

I do know that we'll meet again my darling Kitty, Kit.

Until that time, here's a head butt and a mrrr, just for you!


Farewell weary little traveler

It's 7:16 on Friday morning. Dianne and Debbie will arrive to release my darling at 9:30. Strange though it may seem to the reader, I'm glad I've got this blogging thing! Many things seem to escape my memory at times like this, plus writing seems to be the natural way for me to emote.

Our last night was good and peaceful. Cassie loved being wrapped up in her snuggle bear blanket where she purred like a steam engine next to me for several hours. The number of times that we've done that over the past 15 years must be in the thousands. In the beginning it was because she was so fragile and required around the clock care. Then she gravitated to my pillow (despite the fact that she had hers right next to me on the bed) where she slept curled around my head. It was akin to wearing a fur hat with a raccoon tail to bed and, frequently really hot in the summer. She was persistent. When Cass became ill almost two years ago, we went back to the swaddling practice as that's what seemed to give her comfort.

Last night before bed, there were no more pills and no more injections - just a big bowl of kitty junk food (aka Fancy Feast) with no added fiber or probiotics. Ah, freedom! It felt good, huh Kit? But Kit you became ill at 3:00 a.m. again and as usual we got up, tended to things and then went back to bed. Yes, I do know that you can't get better even though as I sit here at the keyboard you're mrrring and head butting me.

I love you and I told you so again for the 10 millionth time when you woke up this morning. I told you that I love, love, love you and that I always will. I thanked you for being my teacher and my guide. I thanked you for the beauty that you brought into my life. I told you not to be afraid when Dianne comes. I asked you to go gently to your place of rest. You looked right into my eyes without averting your gaze or blinking during all the time that I spoke with you. I know that you understood. Kit, you've finally been successful in helping me transition through something that I've never been able to handle with grace in the past. Thank you for this lesson.

It's time for me to stop crying and go to take a shower. Stay there on top of my sweater purring until I return and then you and I will spend some more time together until it's time for us to part.

Love and mrrrs,


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I'm trying to get up the courage

So kit, here we are six months later. I've been busy keeping my head in the sand for the past six months and certainly doing everything that I can to avoid heartache. Not much has changed, huh?

I know that you're getting tired and so I'm going to do the right thing. What is the right thing? The right thing is for you not to deteriorate to the point where you are constantly in pain and for me to be assured that I have explored all possibilities and made the decision to say good bye with no would haves, should haves or could haves. You and I have exhausted all of our options. Medicine isn't helping and even though you're constantly by my side purring, head butting and sitting on the computer keyboard, it seems like the bad days now out number the good.

I guess it's time for me to step up to the plate and release you to take your journey to the place where you'll feel no more pain. You can't know how much I hate this. It would be so much better if you could have just peacefully passed on one night wrapped in your blanket on the bed. That has been my wish, but alas it hasn't taken place.

Dianne will call me tomorrow to tell me when she and Debbie will be here to help me release you. You and I are very lucky to have Dianne and Debbie in our lives. It's better for you and better for me if we bid each other adieu here at home with you wrapped in your new blanket in my arms.

Kitty, kit, kit you're such a big part of my heart that I'm not sure how long it will take for my heart to return to normal again.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Ya gotta love it!

So Kit, you're not too dumb, huh? All the time that you spend under the bed these days, but when your doctor comes to visit, there you are.

Kit, what a testament to Dianne that you came out of hiding to meet her darling Ella and hang out for a bit.

Dianne says that you're looking good, but I just can't seem to get you out of your hiding place. The good news is that we did have a bad bout for a few days, but Nux Vomica seems to have done the trick and you're eating again. Good Job! Well done!

Love and mrrrs,


Saturday, July 18, 2009

Everything seemed okay, but....

'Morning Kit,

Hasn't it been wonderful to watch all of the birds outside our window at the feeders and the bird bath?

You've had a great week during which you spent many hours in the sun on the deck. I don't think that you even heard the birds around you as it seems like you could be losing your hearing.

Yesterday was sad, huh? We found a beautiful blue jay with an injured
wing hopping around the back yard. We told our neighbors about it and then made a decision as to what we should do. We had to do the right thing as this was going to serve as a lesson for the children living next door who grace our lives. After a 3-hour round trip out to the Wild Life Sanctuary at Tuft's University I returned home to tell the children that sadly the little bird had passed on. At least he was safe and not in pain anymore.

When I came home, I found you bleeding again. Kit, what is this all about? Aren't the steroids working? Just when everything seems to be okay with the birds singing, the squirrels chasing each other through the backyard and you seemingly blissful, it all changes.

Please stop hiding under the bed (that's a bad sign) and come out to eat your breakfast.



Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Mrrrrr...this is you kit!

Okay, so this basically how you've been most of the time since our last post two weeks ago! I've been wondering what is going on in your head while trying to remember that senior citizens sleep a lot!

Upon seeing you the other day in your habitual reclining position, a visitor remarked that perhaps this situation wasn't the kindest thing.

What situation, what kindest thing? Of course, the "
kindest thing" was the reference to steriods. Well, so you're 16, 17 something and have a chronic disease that may be cancer, but we can't do anything invasive.

You still got up everyday to eat, use the litter box and then back to bed. So Kit, imagine my surprise when you came into the computer room yesterday like Snow White awakening from a dream. Imagine my surprise when you demanded to get up on my lap. Imagine my surprise when you slept on my head again last night. Imagine my surprise when you did a long mrrrrrr while washing my face this morning. Imagine my surprise that you are now walking around the living room searching for the perfect perch in front of the living room window.

Imagine my surprise when a class that I am presently teaching told me last night that they were going to miss me when they had to say goodbye next week. Imagine my surprise when I told them that I was going to miss them too.

Life's funny that way, huh, kit? It's just one surprise after another!

Love and mrrrrrrrr(s) to you my darling kit!