Saying Goodbye to Cassie

It's all good - That's what I've been saying

2010-02-18T11:27:00.001-08:00

Darling Kit,
It's been almost a week since we said adieu. You know what, Kit...I never realized how much care you took. I was aware that I rarely slept through the night, that I cleaned litter boxes endlessly, followed you around the house with too many kinds of cat food to count - with the hope that you would keep eating.

And you did - more or less until it was time for you to leave. You were less than six pounds, but the void that you left seems to be big enough to contain a herd of elephants. Kitty, Kit it's quiet here. I don't do laundry load after load and I've retired my scrub pail to the basement.

I spend more time than usual sitting in "our" chair by the window, but I don't cry 59 minutes out of every hour. I miss that beautiful face and the mrrrr, mrrrr, mrrr. Cali is the only meow now and she's trying hard to do her job well.

Ah, but yes, it's all good. You're safe and free from suffering and I in turn, have a different kind of freedom. During some of that chair time I realized that this is the first time in almost 8 years that I've had a respite from taking care of an ailing meow or bow. Yes, I'd do it all over again in a heart beat.

It's the memories that are good. It's the experiences that I had that are good. It's the energy that was in the house that was good! It's the people that I met that are good. It's a large part of my life, and it's good!

I love you Kitty Kit and those who are waiting with you at the RB,

Sharon

Cassie Kitty

2010-02-12T18:30:00.001-08:00

Hello my angel!

2010-02-12T08:44:00.001-08:00

Cassie passed peacefully on my lap by the window in the sunlight a short time ago. The spirit wanted to remain by me, but the body was frail. Her veins were so small that it was difficult to insert the catheter initially, but she finally drifted off. I held her for a long time afterward and then gave her wrapped in her blanket to Dianne to take to hospital.

I have been blessed to have kind and empathetic people in my life who helped me immeasurably this morning. For Dianne and Debbie to come to the house on their day off, was more than a gesture of kindness. They've known me long enough to realize that I just couldn't bear one more trip to the bereavement room at the vet hospital.

Herman, thank you for making the tea and for understanding and thanks for taking one last photo of Kitty and me before we said adieu to each other.

Yes, the unexamined life is not worth living to me. I don't know if it's the philosophy teacher in me or the recent conversations of late, but Socrates has been keeping close company with me. Albeit, the dialogue that has taken place over the past few weeks seems to have been mainly between Socrates and me, with no third party to mediate or question. On a lighter note, there's a widely held opinion that those who talk to themselves may be suspect! Don't worry dear reader as I don't talk out loud - usually! (said with a wink)

So my darling kitty, kit, you and Socrates have provided so many opportunities for me to examine and reflect upon my life. The treasured gift Kit, has been through your leaving. In this instance, after all of the reflection, desire to take the action that was morally and ethically right, I do not struggle with my decision, as I have in the past. I have a broken heart, but do have peace with my decision to help you put on your angel wings so that you can soar high without the burdens of pain.

I do know that we'll meet again my darling Kitty, Kit.

Until that time, here's a head butt and a mrrr, just for you!

Love,
Sharon

Farewell weary little traveler

2010-02-12T04:05:00.000-08:00

It's 7:16 on Friday morning. Dianne and Debbie will arrive to release my darling at 9:30. Strange though it may seem to the reader, I'm glad I've got this blogging thing! Many things seem to escape my memory at times like this, plus writing seems to be the natural way for me to emote.

Our last night was good and peaceful. Cassie loved being wrapped up in her snuggle bear blanket where she purred like a steam engine next to me for several hours. The number of times that we've done that over the past 15 years must be in the thousands. In the beginning it was because she was so fragile and required around the clock care. Then she gravitated to my pillow (despite the fact that she had hers right next to me on the bed) where she slept curled around my head. It was akin to wearing a fur hat with a raccoon tail to bed and, frequently really hot in the summer. She was persistent. When Cass became ill almost two years ago, we went back to the swaddling practice as that's what seemed to give her comfort.

Last night before bed, there were no more pills and no more injections - just a big bowl of kitty junk food (aka Fancy Feast) with no added fiber or probiotics. Ah, freedom! It felt good, huh Kit? But Kit you became ill at 3:00 a.m. again and as usual we got up, tended to things and then went back to bed. Yes, I do know that you can't get better even though as I sit here at the keyboard you're mrrring and head butting me.

I love you and I told you so again for the 10 millionth time when you woke up this morning. I told you that I love, love, love you and that I always will. I thanked you for being my teacher and my guide. I thanked you for the beauty that you brought into my life. I told you not to be afraid when Dianne comes. I asked you to go gently to your place of rest. You looked right into my eyes without averting your gaze or blinking during all the time that I spoke with you. I know that you understood. Kit, you've finally been successful in helping me transition through something that I've never been able to handle with grace in the past. Thank you for this lesson.

It's time for me to stop crying and go to take a shower. Stay there on top of my sweater purring until I return and then you and I will spend some more time together until it's time for us to part.

Love and mrrrs,

Sharon

I'm trying to get up the courage

2010-02-10T17:20:00.000-08:00

So kit, here we are six months later. I've been busy keeping my head in the sand for the past six months and certainly doing everything that I can to avoid heartache. Not much has changed, huh?

I know that you're getting tired and so I'm going to do the right thing. What is the right thing? The right thing is for you not to deteriorate to the point where you are constantly in pain and for me to be assured that I have explored all possibilities and made the decision to say good bye with no would haves, should haves or could haves. You and I have exhausted all of our options. Medicine isn't helping and even though you're constantly by my side purring, head butting and sitting on the computer keyboard, it seems like the bad days now out number the good.

I guess it's time for me to step up to the plate and release you to take your journey to the place where you'll feel no more pain. You can't know how much I hate this. It would be so much better if you could have just peacefully passed on one night wrapped in your blanket on the bed. That has been my wish, but alas it hasn't taken place.

Dianne will call me tomorrow to tell me when she and Debbie will be here to help me release you. You and I are very lucky to have Dianne and Debbie in our lives. It's better for you and better for me if we bid each other adieu here at home with you wrapped in your new blanket in my arms.

Kitty, kit, kit you're such a big part of my heart that I'm not sure how long it will take for my heart to return to normal again.

Love,
Sharon

Ya gotta love it!

2009-08-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

So Kit, you're not too dumb, huh? All the time that you spend under the bed these days, but when your doctor comes to visit, there you are.

Kit, what a testament to Dianne that you came out of hiding to meet her darling Ella and hang out for a bit.

Dianne says that you're looking good, but I just can't seem to get you out of your hiding place. The good news is that we did have a bad bout for a few days, but Nux Vomica seems to have done the trick and you're eating again. Good Job! Well done!

Love and mrrrs,

Sharon

Everything seemed okay, but....

2009-07-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

'Morning Kit,

Hasn't it been wonderful to watch all of the birds outside our window at the feeders and the bird bath?

You've had a great week during which you spent many hours in the sun on the deck. I don't think that you even heard the birds around you as it seems like you could be losing your hearing.

Yesterday was sad, huh? We found a beautiful blue jay with an injured wing hopping around the back yard. We told our neighbors about it and then made a decision as to what we should do. We had to do the right thing as this was going to serve as a lesson for the children living next door who grace our lives. After a 3-hour round trip out to the Wild Life Sanctuary at Tuft's University I returned home to tell the children that sadly the little bird had passed on. At least he was safe and not in pain anymore.

When I came home, I found you bleeding again. Kit, what is this all about? Aren't the steroids working? Just when everything seems to be okay with the birds singing, the squirrels chasing each other through the backyard and you seemingly blissful, it all changes.

Please stop hiding under the bed (that's a bad sign) and come out to eat your breakfast.

Love,

Sharon

Mrrrrr...this is you kit!

2009-07-07T08:20:00.001-07:00

Okay, so this basically how you've been most of the time since our last post two weeks ago! I've been wondering what is going on in your head while trying to remember that senior citizens sleep a lot!

Upon seeing you the other day in your habitual reclining position, a visitor remarked that perhaps this situation wasn't the kindest thing.

What situation, what kindest thing? Of course, the "kindest thing" was the reference to steriods. Well, so you're 16, 17 something and have a chronic disease that may be cancer, but we can't do anything invasive.

You still got up everyday to eat, use the litter box and then back to bed. So Kit, imagine my surprise when you came into the computer room yesterday like Snow White awakening from a dream. Imagine my surprise when you demanded to get up on my lap. Imagine my surprise when you slept on my head again last night. Imagine my surprise when you did a long mrrrrrr while washing my face this morning. Imagine my surprise that you are now walking around the living room searching for the perfect perch in front of the living room window.

Imagine my surprise when a class that I am presently teaching told me last night that they were going to miss me when they had to say goodbye next week. Imagine my surprise when I told them that I was going to miss them too.

Life's funny that way, huh, kit? It's just one surprise after another!

Love and mrrrrrrrr(s) to you my darling kit!

Sharon

Well, Kit the days go by and...

2009-06-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

Almost a week has gone by since our last post! Kitty Kit, I'm glad to see that you are so snug in your new blanket. Now if you can just keep your stomach from rumbling and the blanket reasonably clean, it's all good, eh?

There have been some times in the past week when I thought that you were almost as good as new and that perhaps our experiences had all been a figment of my imagination.

So what is our reality...yours and mine? You are drug dependent. If there's a lapse in meds, we're back to square #1. Given your diet of raw rabbit, we should be seeing some substantial output, but alas that hasn't happened. I'm inclined to believe that this will be our story until the last chapter. Now don't get me wrong! Admittedly, I was a bit stressed when we got up at 2:30 this morning and I thought that "the process" had started again. All is quiet now and you are wrapped up in your blanket on the sofa.

Actually, it would be a gift if you stayed comfortable and purring with the help of these meds for as long as they last. I'm grateful that you are not all skin and bones anymore and seem to be putting on some weight. Your spine is still quite prominent, but you've softened a bit.

You've given me some calm for a bit while I grade all of the English Comp papers in front of me. Thanks!

I love you Kit.

What are you dreaming about?

Sharon

So who is the prettiest kit in MA?

2009-06-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

Well Cass, of course it's you! Aren't you lucky to have such wonderful vet techs to take care of you? It must be your girlish charm that wins them over.

We seem to have stabilized for a bit and I am truly grateful, because to tell you the truth I was getting tired of too many late nights, not enough appetite in my kit and your decline.

It seems like we have a respite and that's good. It's summertime and I'd loved to see you in the sun on the back porch again. Yeah, I know that you're heavy into drugs these days, but you seem to be feeling better. Keep up the good work until we run out of drugs. We can both use a break.

I'm just glad that you're sleeping all night long and haven't been bleeding for three days now.

The sun is out today, so it's all good, huh?

Love and head butts,

Sharon

Life isn't always fair!

2009-06-11T06:04:00.001-07:00

So my Kitty Kit, we seemed to have reached a plateau. We're no worse, but we're holding our own. Thank Dog! I've been weary for the past few months of getting up several times a night and it's about time for a break.

Do you remember when Jerri gave you Reiki back in March? She said that your life force was strong and it appears that it's still the case. Maybe you're not finished with your work of teaching me lessons, huh?

In this respite from your illness I have turned my attentions a bit. Remember when I said it wasn't always about us? Kitty Kit, one of my students is pregnant with her second set of twins. Her infant son from the first set passed away on Tuesday. And we think that we have problems. How arrogant we are, huh?

What are we going to do about this? My student is on a path to failure in this class. Time is passing by quickly. Then there are the rules. Ah, yes, there's always rules. What can we do to help my student while considering the rules? Is this part of our culture? How can we set up people to fail because of the rules? How can I say that I did the best I could under the circumstances? What is the ethical way to handle this while considering the rules that dictate my employment?

So Kit, when you figure it all out, please let me know. In the interim I'm glad that you like your comfy new blanket and I hope that you'll eat more so that you don't need it so much to keep warm.

Thanks for a relatively quiet two days, Kitty Kit. When you really think about it, we've got it pretty good, huh?

Love,
Sharon

Well, Cassie...I've been thinking

2009-06-07T15:45:00.001-07:00

Who is silly enough to sleep in some of the places where you've been known to sleep? Then again, who is the silly person who gave you access to these places?

Well, to get back to what I've been thinking! You've been sleeping most of the day because you didn't feel well last night, but you ate this morning and went out on the deck. I've been correcting papers and more papers, plus I've been thinking - thinking about how it all began.

Growing up I spent much of my life living in a zoo with my grandma and grandpa. We had canaries, homing pigeons, a feral cat colony, a big pool filled with gold fish, a dog named Dixie and my kitten Fluffy.

Every time I take you to hospital I have you wrapped in your favorite blanket. People always comment on how sweet you look in the blanket. I'm afraid that you'll get cold because you're thin and frail now. How did it all begin?

One cold and raw winter day over 60 years ago Grandpa and I took Dixie to hospital to be spayed. In the early evening we went back to pick her up. I was all bundled up in my snow suit and mittens. Grandpa had on his heavy overcoat and hat. When they brought Dixie out to us Grandpa took off his coat and wrapped Dixie in it. We walked home, which was about 10 blocks away, with Grandpa in his shirt sleeves, seemingly not minding the cold, but just concerned that Dixie was warm and comfortable.

Kitty, I do believe that's where it all began .... this caring for and taking care of.

Eat your supper Kitty Kit Kit and sleep well tonight.

Love and head butts,

Sharon

Kitty in her prime!

2009-06-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

So Kit, you're looking "really fine" here! This is the way that I like to see you! If you could put some weigh on, you'd look just like this again.

Today we went to hospital again. While you were getting your meds from the vet tech I went outside to sit on a bench. The wind was rustling the leaves on the birch trees. In the sunshine the leaves looked like silver coins. It reminded me a lot of home.

Yes, you're still not feeling up to par, but you did eat and yet you were ill on the way home in the car. Then I thought of the alternatives. You know Kitty, it's not always all about us - you and me.

While you were getting your meds I watched a family with a beautiful golden lab-cross head to the bereavement room. I knew what that meant. There was a boy about 10 years old who was trying so hard not to cry, but he was going to be saying adieu to his best friend once they entered the room. I watched his shoulders shudder, then droop a bit as he crossed the threshold with his dog beside him. The gentle wag of the dog's tail was the last glimpse I had as the door closed. I knew that the next several minutes were going to be the toughest that the little boy would have for a long time.

Try not to worry little boy and don't be too sad. Your dog will be safe and well where he's headed. I promise that you will have the chance to see him again one day.

That's a lot of heartache for one little boy to deal with. Time passes and then he'll have wonderful memories to look back on. Sleep well beautiful golden dog and go gently little boy.

I love you Kitty Kit Kit and I love little boys who love their dogs.

Sharon

So Cass, remember your cousin Kelsey?

2009-06-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

Hmm, is there a family resemblance? Do you remember when he came to visit us in March of 2008? I think that you really charmed him.

It's good that you ate well yesterday and slept so soundly. When I woke up this morning, there you were curled up by my head. But you're not eating again and surely by now the steroids should have kicked in.
I wish that your communicator hadn't passed on because she was the one who really knew what was going on with you. The singing woods lady is so non-committal. She says that you will go in your own time.

I keep looking for the robin outside of the computer room window. Do you remember how he was here all winter and through the spring? The Native Americans believe that he is a signal of dramatic change. Where is he now? The Mourning Doves come everyday around four for the birdie all-you-can-eat at no charge buffet. I'll have to look them up under totems to see what they represent.

You're back in bed again, but it will soon be time for me to wrap you up and take you back to hospital for your meds. You do have an option. You can stop fighting me, take your meds and not have to go to hospital. I've told you that you can't have these meds as an injection. They don't come that way, so you have to open up your mouth and just swallow.

Well Kitty Kit Kit, this blogging thing seems to be serving its purpose. When I blog "about it" my mind doesn't seem to be weighed down so much.

I love you, Kitty.

Sharon

The Days Keep Passing ...But no resolution

2009-06-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

Darling Kitty Kit Kit,

We've been to hospital twice this week and you have lost almost one pound. I'm worried that you will go under 6 lbs.
You seem to be keeping the medicine in your stomach and you ate for the first time in two days since we returned from hospital a little while ago.

Dianne says we should wait a couple of days to see how you fare. The next option is ultra-sound, which comes at a bad time for us financially. I'm not going to make any decisions until we have some more information. You should know that I would never want you to suffer and so if you can't fight this, I'll do the right thing for you.

Everyone at hospital says you're such a beautiful kitty. That's true, not only on the outside, but on the inside. Do you remember the night that we said good bye to Holling? You were right beside my head licking away the tears from my cheeks as I tried to go to sleep. Then you crawled up under my chin and fell asleep.

Kit, please eat your supper tonight so that you can become strong again.

Love,

Sharon

Sunday and it's a beautiful day

2009-05-31T06:53:00.000-07:00

Cassie, you certainly have a lot of friends. You keep getting your photo taken with everyone but Mom. I know...I know...you really like Dao!

Yesterday I took you out to the backyard to Holling's garden, but despite the fact that it was a breezy day in the 70's all you wanted to do was to go back inside.

You got your hair brushed before bed and you seemed to like that. After a good night's sleep with no accidents you seemed to be ready for this day, but now you're passing blood again.

Are you winding down, Kitty Kit Kit? I'm sad but it seems like you are similar to the way that Holling was before he passed on. Is it that you're giving me some time to get used to the situation and then you'll take your leave.

Cassie, kit, it's been a difficult year for me. I've said goodbye to so many dear fur souls. The energy in the house is waning. Whatever the case, I want you to be safe and in comfort for as long as you stay with me.

Let's try communing with each other in the garden again this afternoon.

Love to you Kitty, Kit, Kit

Almost a week's reprieve

2009-05-30T05:18:00.001-07:00

Oh Kitty Kit,

You love sitting with Jack at the computer, eh?

Well a week has passed since last I posted and we had a few good days, but yesterday you got sick again and started to lose control of your bowels.

And now you're nauseated this morning. I don't know what to do anymore. I'll try some more Nux Vomica and keep my fingers crossed.

Love, Sharon

If it's Thursday, all must be okay

2009-05-21T05:33:00.001-07:00

Dear Kitty Kit Kit,

I'm tired this morning. You ate very well yesterday and you slept a lot. But you were in the litter box all night and you had several accidents in various places in the house.

Dianne is coming to visit today and will check you over. I'm not sure about the direction we're going with this. You're not taking any meds. You're not passing blood but you don't have any appetite. You try to eat, but two bites is all you can manage.

You're purry and cuddly, but you don't want to go out on the deck to watch the birds and get some sun.

I hope that I am taking all of this in perspective. When Holling was getting ready to pass I forgot a lot of the details. I'm trying to think about how you were last month and how you've been. So Kitty Kit Kit, what is this thing called quality of life? How arrogant we humans are to suppose that we know what it is. I don't. You seem to be content much of the time, particularly when you are wrapped in your blanket and have your head on my shoulder. Do you have good quality of life? Please tell me.

Is there an equation that states that if this happens and then that happens, then there is a degree of quality of life? I don't know. How will I know?

Love kitty kit kit,

Sharon

It's another beautiful day

2009-05-19T09:00:00.001-07:00

Today dawned reminiscent of the day that I took this photo last summer of Cass with Janet. Cass hadn't been feeling well since her operation and this was her first day out in the yard.

I received a lovely note from Dianne last night saying that she would help me release Cassie even though she's not back at work yet.

Dianne is coming is visit on Thursday and will take a look at her favorite patient while she's here.

This morning I awakened after sleeping peacefully all night with no sick kits in the middle of the night. Cass had slept well with only one small spot of blood where she had lain all night.

I had renewed hope as she went outside to survey her world. But alas, reality is with me as I found three puddles of blood in the basement by her litter boxes. She's on the deck now soaking up the sun.

Last night I held her wrapped in her favorite blanket as she slept peacefully with her head on my shoulder and her paw on my arm. I guess that if love could make all the ills of the world go away, Cass would certainly be as right as rain. Ah, but that's not so, is it?

I love you Cass and I'm going to do the right thing. You'll let me know when it's time to go, won't you?

Love kitty kit,

Sharon

Reality finally dawned on me today

2009-05-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that my best defense when it comes to heart break is writing/blogging about it. After Holling's passing two months ago, I thought I'd get a break. Ah, but that's not so!

I can't believe that it's been almost 10 months since Cassie had her operation and has explosive diarrhea on the operating table. It's been a battle since that time with every type of food imaginable to entice her to eat, sub-qs, vitamin B shots and steroids.

For the past month we've been trying homeopathic remedies with a well known veterinarian homeopath, but I now realize that we're just about out of options.

Cassie can't seem to eat without having to go to the litter box and appears to expel more than what the intake is. We had a quiet day yesterday and I was optimistic, but this morning saw the passage of fresh blood several times. Dianne and I have talked in the past about the possibility of Cassie having cancer, but at this stage in life (Cassie is between 16 and 17 years in age) I won't do anything aggressive.

Dianne isn't coming back to work for another two weeks. I hope that Cass hangs in until then so that we can have some peaceful resolution.

Cass, you've got to know how much this is tearing me up. How can you be so sick and yet so sweet and loving. I'm going to start chronicling everything while I can still remember it.

Love to you kitty kit kit,

Sharon